10 reasons why i shouldn't be on chopped.

** disclaimer: this post is not for the weak of stomach. **

Considering the disclaimer, if you bow out know, ignorant, and unharmed, I won't judge you. Otherwise, you'll get to hear about my woes and wows of our first year of marriage in the cooking realm.

Monday, for our "family night" activity. I was in charge. Which you well know that means I prepared squat. I informed Bronson that we were going to share  "One lesson/principle we've learned, one thing we love about the other, and one thing we look forward to and/or want to work on." You know, sentimental things you should do when you're approaching your one year mark of marriage.

In case you want the mushy gushy, I told Bronson he is stellar at being the 'fun-seeker' -- finding fun things for us to do every weekend. If the 'fun-ness' were up to me, I'd make him watch HGTV all weekend and sew with me. But I already make him do that during the week (sans the sewing part), so its only fair we do all his ideas of fun during the weekend.
I told him I was looking forward most to renovating a house together.

Bronson hardly had to think about what he's learned. And I quote, "Well, I've definitely learned to have patience." (insert a little gasp/squeal from me, *I can't be that hard to live with* Oh wait, it only took 2 seconds of reminding myself, that yes, yes, I am that hard. Haven't you seen the gray hairs on my dads head ;).

And then secondly, what he loves about me, is that he isn't nervous anymore to eat my meals. WHAT? Not nervous to eat my meals? On a scale of 1-10 how bad do you feel for me right now? Because if its not 14, go back and read that sentence again. You must be heartless.
(I just took off my Queen of the Kitchen tiara * tear *).

That was reason #1 why I shouldn't be on Chopped. 

If you think this is me venting about marital struggles then you don't know me. I'm laughing at myself right now. Because, i'm about to prove to you how right Bronson was. And a few stories from my childhood will pretty much chalk up just exactly how much I stunk/stink at cooking. But, I must be getting slightly better because, remember, he's not nervous anymore. Phew.

When I was a senior in high school -- at this age, you've applied for college, you've taken the ACT/SAT, maybe even multiple times, you've lived through 12 years of public education, and probably had a handful of jobs. I even played two instruments with private lessons every week. And yet, my mom asks me to do SIMPLE tasks, and I had only produce one thing : failure.

Reason duos.
I remember my mom asking me to cook some hamburger meat with onions so that she could freeze it and use it in future meals. Seems simple enough, because (well, now I know), that you just have to let it sit there, and stir it a few times, I mean for pete sake, the stove is doing all the cooking not you, so get a grip. She reminded me plenty of times to keep stirring it -- I got consumed in most likely the newspaper comics and thought, well, until I start smelling it burn I'm probably safe to leave it in there for awhile. Oh, but I must have missed that smell signal too because I let it burn, and I mean REAL burn -- past the point of no return burned. Sorry mom.

Reason number three.
My mom and dad went to the temple one Friday and she asked me to make a homemade pizza. She had already made the dough, and rolled it out. I mean, she was really asking me to put some sauce, cheese and pepperoni on and stick it in the oven. That sounds easier than "cooking for dummies". I asked my mom exactly what time she would be homes, so I could wait until the last possible minute to actually make the dang pizza. I am pretty sure I didn't burn it, but I'm positive I didn't even start making it until they came home. Disappointment after another. #I am killing it.

And now, actual evidence of how I'm proving Bronson's point.

I just couldn't stop there, so here's reason number 4. That one time I made green eggs and ham, not on Dr. Suess day and definitely not on purpose. This is when you've added too many green peppers, brocolli, and probably spinach. All of which I might add were going bad, so I didn't have the heart to throw them away. Instead I added them to eggs (because that makes so much sense #idiot).

Your fifth reason.  When I was in school I actually had about 100% more energy  to actually make a dinner than when I work full-time. Go figure, because I stunk it up in the kitchen, until now, I suppose, according to Bronson. Sometimes the only thing that gets me to actually cut that onion is a big glass of chocolate milk. Its like my version of people's wine glass while cooking. Just go with it.

Reasons 6, 7, 8, and 9.  AHH... documentation of a million things going wrong.
1. How I thought it'd be a good idea to DOUBLE the recipe, blindly. Like making a recipe for the first time is like going on a blind date. You don't quite know what to expect, but you're in luck if it goes well. And then if it doesn't, well thats alright, because you have absolutely no obligations to be committed and try it out again. Rookie mistake.

2. Then there is the part where I didn't have half of the ingredients. Or on top of that, how I didn't have sufficient amounts of the ingredients I did have. Aweeeesome.

3.  What I was really hoping would turn out to be a meal that would last a week -- like a big deep pot of gold, it was so awful I had to get it out of sight, out of mind, out of life. In all my anger I shoved it down the disposal and clogged that. Not to mention the counter-effect was clogging the dishwasher next. Double bingo.

4. My clothes, my hair, my skin, the whole apartment permeated with "butternut squash alfredo" stench for days. I'll need to end there as I've triggered my gag reflexes.

Lastly, your tenth reason (surely by now you need NO more convincing that I am not fit for Chopped). That one time I burnt the bottom of the pan, and it took me 4 Christmas songs in the middle of October to keep me sane while I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. 

So, the man has got a point.
My new motto: I promise Bronson we will eat, but I can not promise it will always be good.
Permanently retiring the queen of the kitchen tiara in the garbage. And i'm okay with that.


  1. This is so funny. I love the comparison between doubling a recipe you haven't made and blind dates! Haha! And your burned pot picture looked just like one I had recently. I predict in a few years time you'll have your own food blog!

  2. You're hilarious Bubs! I loved this.

  3. Oh my, I laughed till I cried. You're hilarious, Emily!!! I think I'll stay young by laughing, thanks to you. I have to insert the time you burn something in a pan (hopefully-not), but if so, put a lot of baking soda in the pan, some water and let it boil. Makes it so much easier to get that black yucky burnt stuff off. Again....this was entertainment.


© the gardner place • Theme by Maira G.